The people-pleaser and controller attraction (and the fixes)
If there's one thing I know, it's people-pleasing. I'm still in recovery ;)
And people-pleasers tend to gravitate toward controllers.
Controllers believe they have the right way to do and think about things. It’s their brain’s way of protecting them. If they’re in control and doing it ‘right’ they get to feel safe from ridicule, failure, judgement, and shame.
People-pleasers give a lot of weight and importance to a controller’s thoughts and opinions, much more weight than they give to their own. Their brains also want to keep them safe from ridicule, failure, judgement, and shame.
Example:
Ethel (people-pleaser) is driving her boyfriend Fred (controller) to dinner. Ethel, who has lived in and driven in her hometown for the past 25 years without driving into a ditch, getting lost, or wandering the streets for hours on end wondering where to park, turns on her signal to take Main Street, which she knows will take her easily to the restaurant.
Fred yells, “Don’t take Main Street! That’s out of the way. You need to cut through Elm and Oak.”
So Ethel turns off her signal thinking that Fred must be right.
As they approach the restaurant Ethel turns down the side street where she always parks.
“No! That’s too far away from the restaurant. That will make us late for our reservation. Go up closer.”
So Ethel does.
They typically split an appetizer and entrée and Ethel is really craving the caesar salad and baked salmon. However, when Fred asks her opinion she says that she doesn’t care and that he can choose because she knows he won’t go along with her choice anyway.
And so on and so on.
This relationship works but it will work so much better when they both create a PP — Powerful Pause.
Instead of Fred automatically thinking his way is the only way, he creates a powerful pause before he speaks and asks himself a couple powerful questions like:
Is this really the only way?
What could go right if I let go?
Instead of Ethel automatically dismissing her completely acceptable way of thinking and doing things, she also creates a powerful pause and repeats a few statements like:
I am smart, I know what I’m doing, and I will speak up
My opinions and thoughts matter and I choose to be bold and honor them
Ya’ll, our minds are wacky and they trick us into believing that people-pleasing and controlling is how we avoid discomfort and stay safe from judgement, shame, ridicule, or failure.
Our minds are telling us a story.
The opposite of control and people-pleasing? Trust and flow and pleasing ourselves.
And I promise when you get good at those things all of your relationships improve dramatically, starting with the one you have with yourself.
Would you like to up-level your relationship with yourself? I have two client openings and the result is life changing. Reach out today and let's have a no-obligation chat about it.
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