Are you unknowingly sabotaging your happiness?

Guess what this week is? My wedding week!!

And even though we have been blissfully happy together for over 3 1/2 years and I’m so excited for this, there is something still scary about what we’re about to vow to one another and I ain’t gonna lie, it recently freaked me out a little. Here’s why.

I was married before and never thought I would ever divorce but I did. And so my inner mean and bitchy voice saw this as a terrific opportunity to razz me and put lots of fear thoughts into my head about it happening again. She said, ‘Whoa Kelly. You have never been this happy before so you better watch it. Do you deserve it? And besides, it didn’t work out for you before.”

Thanks bitch.

But guess what I have on my side? Knowledge! Now that I know what’s happening I can pull out my tools to manage that bitch and show her who’s boss. She’s not going to sabotage my happiness.

A great book I read, The Big Leap, speaks about this and actually gives it a name:



The author, Gay Hendricks, has studied this and he says we all have a pre-set thermostat setting for joy, success, creativity, and love and when we exceed that setting we often do something to sabotage ourselves that causes us to get back to our comfortable setting.

Knowledge truly is power and being able to recognize what was happening allowed me to breath into the thoughts, acknowledge and feel them, and then deliberately tell them to go.

I then reminded myself how much I have grown and that I hold the power to be in the happiest relationship of my life because it’s me who is creating it every day (by my actions or inactions).

Before I had this knowledge I used to listen to my inner mean voice and believe what she was telling me as truth. I gave her a lot of weight and clout in my life and ended up getting exactly what she had me all worried and scared about as a result.

Have you ever experienced the Upper Limit Problem in your life? Here are some questions that will shed some light:

Have you ever gotten sick or hurt when or before you started a new job? Got into a new relationship? Before going on vacation?

Do you blame circumstances or people for why you can not be or do something better?

Has your relationship been going great and then you start nit-picking and focusing in on what they’re doing that bugs you? Do you ever start a conflict?

Do you worry about and dwell on how things are going to turn out badly when you’re planning something fun?

Do you crave a truly happy and healthy relationship yet in the same breath back away from commitment? Are you always waiting for the shit to hit the fan?

Have you ever gotten money and then either lost it, gotten sick, or have something expensive break that took it all?

When you don’t think you deserve something, something that takes you to that next level of happiness and success in your life, you subconsciously find ways to sabotage it.


#1 Bring awareness to what’s really going on. Ask yourself what you’re afraid of if you allow yourself to experience more love, success, joy, or creativity. Is it founded or simply an Upper Limit Problem to identify and work through?

#2 Acknowledge the worry and fear thoughts instead of pretending they aren’t there (what we resist persists.) Bringing these thoughts out into the open allows you to move past them and into much more productive and useful thinking. Thinking that helps you take positive action steps to create the joy and success you want more of in your life.

#3 If there is a positive action you can take – take it! This puts you back in the power position.

#4 Gay Hendricks encourages repeating this up-leveling mantra: “I expand in abundance, success, and love every day, as I inspire those around me to do the same.” I happen to love this mantra and the positive power it evokes.

#5 Get the book, The Big Leap, and apply all the tools he talks about! There is a lot of good information that I don’t have time to share in this post. 

I acknowledged that my marriage fears were an Upper Limit Problem and I took action steps to replace the fears with confidence by reminding myself about this fact: I hold the power to create as much happiness in my relationship as I damn well please!

So long bitch. Hello happiness!


Kelly Summersett