The people-pleaser and controller attraction (and the fixes)
If there's one thing I know, it's people-pleasing. I'm still in recovery ;)
And people-pleasers tend to gravitate toward controllers.
Controllers believe they have the right and the only way to do and think about things. It’s their brain’s way of protecting them. If they’re in control they think they’ll feel safe from ridicule, failure, judgment, and shame. The way they spin it? They’re being helpful, diligent, and staying on top of things.
People-pleasers give a lot of weight and importance to a controller’s thoughts and opinions, much more weight than they give to their own. Their brains also want to keep them safe from ridicule, failure, judgment, and shame. The way they spin it? They’re caring, selfless, and responsible.
Example:
Ethel’s (people-pleaser) driving her boyfriend Fred (controller) to dinner. Ethel, who has lived in and driven in her hometown for the past 25 years without going into a ditch, getting lost, or wandering the streets for hours on end wondering where to park, turns on her signal to take Main Street, which she knows takes her easily to the restaurant.
Fred yells, “Don’t take Main Street! That’s out of the way. You need to cut through Elm and Oak.”
So Ethel turns off her signal thinking that Fred must be right.
As they approach the restaurant Ethel turns down the side street where she always parks.
“No! That’s too far away from the restaurant. That will make us late for our reservation. Go up closer.”
So Ethel does.
They typically split an appetizer and entrée and Ethel is craving the caesar salad and baked salmon. However, when Fred asks her opinion she says that she doesn’t care and that he can choose because she knows he won’t go along with her choice anyway.
And so on and so on.
This relationship works, but it works so much better when they both create a PP — Powerful Pause.
Instead of Fred automatically thinking his way is the only way, he creates a powerful pause before he speaks and asks himself these questions:
Is this really the only way?
What could go right if I let go of control?
Instead of Ethel automatically dismissing her completely acceptable way of thinking and doing things, she also creates a powerful pause and repeats:
My opinions and thoughts matter and I choose to be bold and honor them
I’m smart and I know what I’m doing. Time to speak up.
Your inner critic is sneaky. She spins believable lies about these two stall-out behaviors.
She says that control makes you feel in control and at ease. Nope. Trying hard to control things makes you feel out of control and anxious.
She says that people-pleasing is caring and selfless Nope. It’s just less self.
The opposite of control and people-pleasing? Trust and flow and pleasing ourselves.
And I promise when you get good at these all your relationships improve dramatically, starting with the one with yourself.
How healthy is your self-relationship?
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