AssUme. It makes an ASS out of U and ME.
Do you remember that saying?
I know not to make assumptions these days and yet I still get caught up in it from time to time. I’ll be 100% absolutely certain the person in question meant or did one thing and I’ll be damned if I’m wrong pretty much 100% of the time. It really pisses me off to be so wrong about something I felt I was so right about :)
Here’s three common reasons why we make assumptions and take-action solutions that will move you into healthier relationships:
Common Reason #1: Your upbringing.
For example, if you tend to have a lot of trust issues you’ll automatically assume the people you meet are out to get you vs if your upbringing was safe and nurturing. Or perhaps you grew up poor and overheard your parents making negative assumptions about rich people and how they’re all snobby and ruthless.
Take Action Solution: Question your beliefs.
When’s the last time you stopped and thought about your beliefs? Are they still valid? What assumptions did you pick up from your parents that perhaps you’ve never questioned or challenged? Is there a healthier way to view this assumption?
Common Reason #2: How you feel about yourself.
Example: If you feel ‘less than’ another woman you will make assumptions about what she says, how she says it and what she means by it.
You make it about you and it’s rarely positive, “I can’t believe she said that to me like that! I can tell she doesn’t like me and thinks she’s better.”
Take Action Solution: Question why you want to make it about you and why you’re taking it personal.
Asking yourself better questions (and honestly answering and taking action on them!) helps you develop your self worth and confidence so that what used to bother you no longer will.
When you have a strong sense of self you will hear what people say from a healthier perspective.
Common Reason #3: You’re scared to ask.
It’s easier to assume than be vulnerable and ask for clarification. “There’s no point in asking, he won’t listen to me.” “What if he gets mad at me for asking?” What if she breaks up with me?”
It’s another way to make it about you and then get stalled out.
Take Action Solution: ASK!
The more you ask, with the goal to understand and gain clarity, the better off you get at developing your relationship with yourself and with others.
Here’s some great conversation starters:
- I’m curious, what did you mean when you said…..?
- You seem upset, will you please help me understand why?
- This is what I heard. Is that accurate? Can you explain?
- How can we both be heard and figure out a workable understanding?
Want strong relationships? Don’t assUme!
Commit to asking great questions that get to healthy understandings.